It would be so easy to make New Year’s predictions that have about a 99.9 per cent chance of happening such as in 2014 there’s going to be Senate scandals, city sanctions, Enbridge entreaties and Free Press flyers.
Those are not real predictions as much as they are inevitable past-is-prologue ho-hums.
So I am going to be a true soothsayer, the fortune teller that I was destined to be instead of the storyteller I became. I plan to dust off my fibre-optic changing colour crystal ball brought out only for such occasions and I will look into the future.
Warning: Some people may find its contents disturbing – and the writer disturbed.
On my presents:
There are some gifts that I most certainly will not unwrap over the holidays.
The latest pedometer with a Bluetooth function that can fit for iPhone and iPad. Once connected to a phone by Bluetooth, you can record the amount of exercise, calorie consumption and master the time when you are exercising.
I predict this device will not make it under my tree this year.
And no matter how many times they pitch it on the Shopping Channel or feature it as their show stopper, I will not be ordering skinny jeans for myself. The smooth-talking snakeskin oil salesman (more on that later) is not going to fool this wily fox. There’s no seasoned sausage out there that looks “skinny” stuffed into a skintight second skin.
On money matters:
I most likely will not win the Lotto Max, or draw the winning ticket on the Spruce Kings’ dream house or get a raise. Of the three, I put my odds on the Lotto Max followed by the Spruce Kings’ house.
On the signs:
Well, I’ve waited a long time for this one. In the Chinese zodiac, 2014 is the Year of the Snake. So as we slither into the fortunes and misfortunes of the coming year let us not forget the most famous reindeer, I mean snake, of all time.
The snake in the Garden of Eden. Temptation is a tough part of the holidays. There is no temptation when it comes to two helpings of turkey but it is pretty hard walking past Lady Godiva chocolates.
So my New Year’s prediction is kind of mixed in with my New Year’s resolution.
I predict I won’t ever be able to resist chocolate but I might go to the gym in 2014 and get fit enough to fit into my old jeans. They aren’t as stylish as the new skinny jeans but then skinny-girl wine isn’t a full-bodied beer either. You do what you can with what you’ve got.
And if the raise doesn’t come through, I can always find work as a snake charmer.
Happy New Year everyone.